The Riser's Lament

Everywhere you look and see,
Spy shades of mediocrity,
A dawning crimson shade of red,
Clears the riser from the bed,
And on with the ritual, perpetual ambition,
Darkness clears the soul from God,
And brings it forwardly,
Presenting an unknowing child and his desperate dream,
Itching to escape the rigid uniformity of, his life,
Goaded by the carrot put ahead,
That is never reached,
Never obtained,
Unassailed,
Impossible,
But still the riser itches to quench his thirst at the well of desire,
Never stopping to drink at the pools along the way,
Never satisfied with what he has,
He marches,
Ever onward,
Genuinely driven by what he sees as his only escape,
Reality offers nothing for him,
Lost,
Alone,
Again,
Always lost,
Alone,
Missing,
This,
Lost alone,
Depressed by repression,
Saddened by the end of time,
The spiral is set to begin again,
The riser finds no comfort in what he has,
For what he has,
Is nothing.

Map of Human Migration

Use that kick-drum to march in time,
Pluck those strings to find the beat,
Thrash that axe to find the tune,
Then sing yourself to a merry mood.

If you read this.

If you read this then I want you to know that I'm ok. It wasn't meant to be. I think I've finally accepted that and now I'm just waiting to heal. It will come, with time. I've been doing a lot of thinking already and can imagine I will do a lot more between now and the next time we speak but know this. I love you for you, and that will never change. I will always love you just as I will always love the two others who came before you. They are now two of my nearest and dearest and I hope that you will go the same way. In two months our lives change again. We both start afresh with new hopes and dreams. I hope that it can be the start of a new chapter in our friendship, I really do. Getting over you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I think I'm stronger than I come across. I want you to know that you can never hurt me, I can only hurt myself.

If you don't read this then hopefully, the next time we speak, I will be able to say this to you myself. Good luck with your exams.

Billy. xxx

The moon's icy cold, silver stare continues to mock me,
As the waves of guilt and horror,
Consume every fibre of my being,

There's a nothingness that exists,
Where my heart used to be,
Because that heart has gone,
Away from me,
And alone with you,

I'm sorry,
With the heaviest of hearts I am sorry,
To be alone with you,
Is a wish and a curse,

The one begotten son.

Sometimes

Sometimes I enjoy wallowing in my own self pity. Sometimes I just want to stop. I actually have noone to talk to about this. Sure there are people who would offer advice, comfort, but noone who would just listen, listen and hug. Today was hug an actor/techie/theatre geek day. That's me on 3 legit fronts. How many hugs did I get? One, it was a good hug but still, ONE! Hug denials are horrible and I had one of those too. The internet is not my friend. I cannot deal with living through it. I need human contact. Every time I get home and I sit in this flat all alone I get so lonely. Does anyone care? Probably not. Is anyone even reading this? Even less likely.

Next year is going to be so much better. Every evening around lots of people. I get so lonely. :(

Just how far would you go for those that you care about?

Flobots - Survival Story

Unsure what I make of it. The lyrics feel more forced without some of the subtlety and story telling of the first album. There's not enough viola melted in to the mix either with it feeling separate whenever it makes an appearance.

That said some of the bass lines are nice and funky with a full sound. Andy Guerrero seems to be channeling Tom Morello in places which is nothing to complain about and Tim McIlrath's guest appearance is a bonus, although he could have been better utilised.

There isn't enough varying dynamics in there for me which was something that I loved about their debut. The only songs that seem to try and end the cycle of heavy track after heavy track are stuck near the end and feel like they've been tacked on. 'Superhero' is the only track that has any real dynamic variation for me, though I may notice more on subsequent listens.

After all that I don't think there is anything that comes close to 'Mayday' or 'Anne Braden' from Fight With Tools and that is a shame. I also didn't notice anything that could recieve nearly as much airtime as 'Handlebars'. Not that I mind that so much, I hated that song until I properly listened to the lyrics which, and call me a pretentious skeptic if you like, I imagine most people who loved the track never noticed.

I definitely don't appreciate hearing my flatmate and his girlfriend having sex. PLAY FUCKING MUSIC DAMN IT!!!

The sad nature of the fact is that a generation of youngsters, only a few years younger than I, will now see the Conservative Party as the good alternative. It pains me to see young, poor, working class teenagers talking about how they're going to vote Conservative because Labour are shit. They now see Labour as the enemy thanks to a decade of conservative attitudes from the "workers party".

A vote for the Tories is a vote for the same thing as those at the forefront of "New Labour". The only difference being that with "New Labour" you at least had the back benchers fighting for the working class; with the Tories there is none of that.

Expect 4 years of privatisation, the decimation of the NHS, more leniency towards immoral actions of big business and more pillaring of the working man/woman. But it's ok because "the Economy" will recover. Though "the Economy" is always going to recover regardless of who is "in power".

The "recession" hits the workers hardest, the "recovery" will only make the rich richer. Neo-Liberal Capitalism is working exactly how it was intended, it's time for something new.

I especially like the first one. He seemed genuinely happy to see me on Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Uh-oh

I seem to be developing the symptoms of mono. Have I been a silly boy?

Lancashire Calling

Just because I speak a lot,
Doesn't mean you know me,
There are many things I hide away,
Many things that you don't see,
Think not about the truths I tell,
But more the lies I don't,
For hidden in the depths of hell,
Are the secrets that I won't...

While I lie here,
In my sepia castle,
Deep in the fields of sweet Lancashire's country,
It is to your face I wander dear,
In my mind left oh so fragile and fucked,
There is a want to have you near,
But I don't and I won't,
So I rush my escape,
And flee to the wrought iron precipice of the City,

Within the City's towering trees,
Odes to consumer,
To profit,
To greed,
I am faced with the truth,
Of false reality,
Of witnessed depravity
Of heinous idolatry,
But it comforts me,
And saves me from myself,
The falsity provides a sense of the real,
And my arms are filled,
My face is covered with the will of others,

The void is filled,
With stopgaps and trinkets,
Satisfaction obtained,
And never again will I have to bear witness to the loss,
I feel,
When I remember sweet Lancashire's fields,

But only the entrance is filled,
The sweet baron wastelands of the concrete jungles,
Are not enough for my whetted mouth,
These lips are dry,
Even though they are not,
This smile is false,
Even though it is not,
Even the arms filled so readily,
Are not yet adjusted to their new...

And so if I hear sweet Lancashire calling,
I will return,
To her fields of green,
Where all seems so serene,
And to my sepia castle,
I will ride in on my pale horse*,
And survey the land I left,
For despite my best intentions,
And all my anguished threats,
I'll never forget sweet Lancashire's country,
And I will never forsake those fields.
---------------------------------------------------
*Chocolate to anyone who understands the reference.



--

I'm actually kind of proud of just how many layers this has and how strongly I have thought about it. Even if a literature student or a 'poetry expert' doesn't think it's good I don't care. This is the most personal thing I've written in a very, very long time on many many levels.

It may not be the most rhythmically pleasing nor imagery filled thing I've ever written, but the sheer number of layers this has makes it one of my favourites.

Songs that changed my life

I associate each of these songs either with a specific incident, period or memory from my life that had a profound affect on my growth as a person. Sometimes I feel the need to delve into my past, to try and remember where I came from and where I am going. I have randomised the order, they are not ordered in terms of either significance or chronology.
--------

Adam's Song - Blink 182

Know Your Enemy - Rage Against the Machine

Green Day - Basket Case

Walla Walla - The Offspring

The Press Corpse - Anti-Flag

Time's Up - Donots

Lion and the Lamb - The Get Up Kids

Death or Glory - The Clash

All on Black - Alkaline Trio

Matty Groves - Fairport Convention

Four Sticks - Led Zeppelin

The Needle and the Damage Done - Neil Young

Down in the Tube Station at Midnight - The Jam

The Great Canyon Fire In General - Spirit

Mr Brightside - The Killers

Epiphany - Bad Religion

been listening to a lot of panic lately

Use me,
Abuse me,
Corrupt me,
Accuse me,

Just don't leave me.

Why did the pretty girl have to get off at Coventry? Why didn't I have a pen so I could be all suave and subtly give her my number. Goddamnit.

I love alcohol. No matter how much it makes me realise I am an arsehole it also makes me realise that deep down I am a good person. No matter my past sins I am a good person who does not deserve the shit that he has to deal with. So I will deal... slowly

I hate being Bipolar

one moment you're up... the next you're down

C

These calloused fingers,
And these crooked teeth,
Will prey on skin and bones,
While these burning eyes,
And this serpent tongue,
Creep to the breasts,
And her scar ridden thighs,

There's an aching in the chest,
That just won't go to rest,
As the corpses line the streets,
And the drums all miss their beats,
The drugs will numb the pain,
And abuse you just the same,
When this sick dark world,
Fails again to call your name,

There's a loneliness you won't accept,
Though your lust remains content,
And the howling of the wind you see,
Reflects your betterment,
The trail of death behind you,
Is betraying your deep desire,
Accept the truth, my friend, my love,
Or your heart will just expire,

You are empty but you hide it,
And you just don't understand,
Why the pleasure that you feel inside,
Has always been so bland,
For the time has come my bitter pill,
To face up to the fact,
That the life that you are leading still,
Is based on broken pact,

To remove that empty feeling,
You must open up,
Instead of just retreating,
And drinking from that cup,
Of poison which you've always clutched,
To try and stop your cravings,
That lust will never go away,
It's written with engravings.

love it

Here's Jonny

The fire burns everything in its path,

All you have to do is laugh,

When ashes fall and bones all scatter,

What at all does really matter,

KillBoY's back to beat them all,

No task too big no fee too small,

The fire is back within his belly,

The evil eye remains a-scarred,

You almost tamed him, 

Almost killed him,

But this phoenix rises like no other,

Calling all below to smother,

The lies and deceit which blight this earth,

To help him understand his worth,

Alone he stands against it all,

And watches as you begin to bawl,

A year at least he's been benign,

Untroubled by his distant past,

Tonight it all comes rushing back,

The fire, 

The fury,

The untempered storm,

The standard has returned to arms,

To signal the changing of the tides,

The solo figure is bent no more,

Closes off his soul,

Closes off his mind,

For when he tried to let you in,

There was nothing but his endless sin,

And so the time has come at last,

His call to arms,

Returns to his task,

The war he fights is not like yours,

He fights for all,

You fight for one.

Staging of Hell Blog

Contrary to Terry Eagleton's statements I have always felt the Witches to have much less of a direct impact on the piece and that they merely act as enablers guiding Macbeth to act upon his unconscious desires. I guess this does mean that I agree with the Freudian analysis that they act as Macbeth's ID to his ego however I do question the concept that they are somehow representative of a deep unconscious dilemma within Shakespeare somehow questioning his own belief system. Nor do I feel they are of enough consequence to be considered the heroines of the piece.

Whilst Eagleton claims that the witches "expose a reverence for hierarchical social order for what it is" I honestly believe that they, as characters, do not care enough for us to be making such a distinction. The witches exist outside of the confines of regular society and act entirely based upon what their powers reveal to them. I feel that they are merely acting for their own amusement and that, in truth, they care not what the consequences of their actions are and as such they cannot be considered any kind of 'hero'. A hero makes sacrifices and takes risks to achieve a goal, the witches do not.

Even if you feel their motives are of no importance I still don't think that they can be examined as heroes to those who seek the destruction of the status quo. Yes their actions result in a vast power switch but only one which exists within the already established hierarchy. The nobles are still at the top, just a different set of nobles. Nothing really changes in the world of the play. At the beginning one King is in power, he is murdered, replaced by another, who is then also killed and replaced by another. The witches serve to change nothing. 

For me the biggest social comment that Macbeth makes is the manner in which within feudalism, and even capitalism today, nothing really changes. No matter who the people in charge are the hierarchies will always remain the same just with someone else at the top. If you were to analyse the play from a Marxist perspective then this is the only manner in which it can be done.

What's the point in a diary if I don't write it till the end of the year?

I was walking down the street... there was a car... there was a car there and it was... what colour was it... it was blue, it was blue, no it was blue... look it was fucking blue alright... jesus.

I was walking down the street... it was summer... it was summer and the sun was... no... it was... it was winter... it wasn't that late... but it was dark. There were still leaves on the ground... quiet road... it was green... the car... it was green... the light was blue... there was a girl... I saw her face.

It was autumn, there was a man... his face was covered... there were leaves... white snow... the light was blue... the car was... it was too dark... it could have been anything... but the light, the light was blue.

It was late autumn. The time was 7pm. It was dark. There was a dark green car with a blue light. A man came out. His face was covered. I ran. The leaves were crunchy. There was a girl. Beautiful. Deep blue eyes. Cheeky smile. She was oddly familiar. A friend from my past. Someone who meant a lot. Her face swam into my vision. But. But she wasn't there. She was in my mind's eye. The street was racing. The snow, that, that came later. Buried me. That is all I remember now stop torturing me... please. 

If you phone me and I take a while,

It's just that I'm painting on my smile.

Simple things,

For simple minds,

Wrench the pain from this empty chest,

You walk ever alone,

Making a fool from a star,

The enigmatic nature,

Of all that you are,

I lie awake at night,

Gaze at the sky,

I can't help but ask,

Why,

I can't take my eyes off you,

From dusk until dawn,

From dawn until dusk,

The thoughts on my mind,

Are of nothing but you,

I wish they weren't,

But what can I do,

The loss that I feel,

Is nothing if not true,

And I'm sorry,

I'm a drop in the ocean,

This story is yours,

I'm a footnote to be forgot,

On the tale of your years,

I'll shed no more tears,

And forgo the conclusion,

Until comes the time,

Where you can forgive all that I am,

The fable of life,

Yours,

Not mine.

This performance still blows my mind every single time.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Today I had a very productive discussion with my Tutor over my final practical. I have the root of my idea and I even have a pretty satisfying way of both starting and ending it. I've got to say I'm really exited about this. People I've told my ideas to have seemed pretty interested and I've had a few people to offer to help me rehearse when it comes to that stage. Rehearsing a monologue on your own is hard enough but when you're going to be essentially in dialogue with a pre-recorded version of yourself it becomes even harder.

I'm equally terrified about it also. I'm going to be exposing some pretty intense shit, some of which I'm not sure I'm really ready to face. To most people watching it they probably won't get the things I'm referencing as they are incredibly personal. Demons that have haunted me for a very long time. Why is memory so fallible. Why do we lie about our pasts? Whether we realise it or not. Why do we hide ourselves from the truth? Honesty has always been my policy. I see no reason to beat around the bush, I've never seen the productivity in such actions to the contrary. But sometimes I lie to myself.

Current beginning

------------

Lights up on stage. There are two door-frames. One stage left and one stage right. in the centre of the stage is a bed. Up stage of the stage left door-frame is a small table with one glass, a bottle of whisky and a diary. After ten seconds figure enters from up stage centre. Walks towards bed. Removes coat and tosses it on bed. Breathes in deeply for five seconds. Walks over to small table. Pours generous measure of scotch into glass and drinks quickly. Places glass on table. Picks up diary. Smiles. Returns to bed and sits cross legged in the middle. Opens diary in the middle. Smiles. Looks straight outwards. Speaks.

Figure: "Back again."

Voice (V.O., same actor as figure): "I never left."

Figure: "I guess not. Do you remember...?"

Current ending

------------

Figure: "Which door is it? Which fucking door?"

Voice: "You know which door, you've always known which door. You never were able to live up to your own high standards. The boundaries and expectations you lay at others you could never attain yourself. You made the decision a long time ago... never forget that."

Figure smiles weakly. Giggles. Looks straight outwards.

Figure: "I guess... I guess I won't be needing my coat then. Shame it had to end this way... had much more to say... much more to do. Who knew?"

Figure stands gingerly. Breathes deeply inwards for five seconds. Exits stage left door.

Voice: "Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you... can... forget."

Ten seconds. Blackout.

--------------------------

Also quite like the idea at some point of when Figure is off on a tangent that Voice might say something along the lines of "If you are desperate to check facebook or twitter now's the time to do it... he's going to be like this for a while". Unfortunately because I only have ten minutes to work with it I might have to leave that out. Maybe if I ever extend it and take it to Edinburgh... LOL

Old Schkool

CKY, Evanescence, Three Days Grace. I'm a teenager again!

tingling.

The cryptic answers

1. Working out with a middle aged weapon. - Jim Gannon 2. Rabbit re-mortgages his home to pay for a joint. - Warren Feeney 3. French mountain grinds his teeth - Carlo Nash 4. Handsome beloved is brutally honest with a nun - Kevin Francis 5. Good with his hands to murder, so there. - Andy Kilner 6. I see Hansen's pet - Luke Beckett 7. When will the don be a conquerer? - Owain Fon Williams 8. The thumb made it crooked - Tom Bennet 9. Scottish actor with spelling issues - Sean Connelly 10. The Phoenix rises from the conquerers - Ashley Williams 11. Hardly a Potter - Harry Hardy 12. Give me some Jam old Miss - Jarkko Wiss 13. Make my voice loud Errol - Mike Flynn 14. Pandy's leaking from the mouth, according to Ross - Andy Dibble 15. Muhammad is a gangster with a bib. - Ali Gibb

If I ended it all tonight

would anyone really miss me?

I'd play the game, but I'm the referee

It is a fact. I have lost the Game. Not just THE Game, which I have also lost thanks to this blog ffs, but the game that apparently exists "between the sexes".

I know for a fact that I could, at the very least, have pulled at least two different girls tonight. Now if you knew the reasons behind not acting on one of them (who actually said "I know you'll say no, and I know it's wrong, but I really want to eat your face right now") then you'd say I made the right choice; but the other one, I'm just too disenfranchised and disorientated to have acted on something I legitimately could have.

She is hung up on her ex, and I know she is. We are friends and I simply didn't want to run the risk of hurting her. I know she was "on the pull" tonight and that she would have been perfectly willing to at least pull me but as soon as I realised this avoided her. I'm in a position right now where I just cannot act on any natural impulses. None at all. I exist as nothing more than a shadow; and it's killing me. 

I cannot play the game anymore. I have been struggling with my own self confidence for nigh on 6 years now and have been repeatedly ruined as a result. I just cannot act on anything any more. I really wanted tonight to be a pissed up, drunken night of just general tomfoolery. Doing whatever with whoever and to hell with the consequences. But when it came to the crunch I simply couldn't.

I'm hurting so much right now, and I would give anything to stop it; anything. But I can't. I wish I could just shut off part of my mind and soul but it's impossible. I am drained.

Thank god for music eh? I went from listening exclusively to Biffy Clyro (for the last two days) to Pennywise before going out tonight and so my iPod was ready for when I returned. I love Pennywise.

JASON MATTHEW THIRSK THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

On the plus side at least five different girls said that I am a good looking guy tonight. I don't believe them but it's still nice to be told that. 

Truth

Truth be told this is a lonely heart,

The yin without the yang,

The half of a whole,

An actor without his part,

The beauty of the world you see,

Comes in many ways,

But the only one which I will seek,

Is to be found with you and me,

The battle is already lost,

But the survivors carry on,

No matter the loss,

No matter the cost,

Continue to deny,

Unable to accept it,

You know it's true,

Even if you won't see it,

There is as much music to be found,
In the sound,
Of fingers on string,
As in the notes that you play,

And the words that you say.

Don't need no drugs, you're my chemical
Now I'm dependent, swear I'm clinical,
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight,
I need a fix in those heroin eyes,

Insomnia

Following my episode on Monday I'm doing o.k. now except for crippling insomnia. I only got two hours sleep last night. I am emotionally and physically shattered. But I cannot sleep. At all.

This is really starting to worry me now. I don't want to have to go see a fucking psychiatrist.

it is best that i remove this

it is best that i remove this

Eight Letters to Change Your Life

I dedicate this first album to you.

So this doesn't work in poem form but it's written to be song lyrics.

Lying in her arms,
Locked in her touch,
Feeling the embrace of someone I could have lost,
It's just a,
Sad way to look at the world,
But while I'm alone with her all I think of is you,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
But I'm losing it anyway,

Tired eyes and a look that could break the world,
But I alone truly know what it means to spend,
A night with you that I never wanted to end,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
But I'm losing it anyway,

I told you that I'd found someone,
To make you love me,
But all it did was make you say that you're happy for me,
It's all a lie that I just wish I could take back,
But when I think of what I've lost it gives me a heart attack,

You'll never know now just what you mean to me,
I hope you understand all that I'd do for you,
It would never cost you more than our friendship,
To tell me that you don't hate me would mean the world to me,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
And I've lost it all today.

Another call back tomorrow

Let's see if I get this one.

Musically it's a vast improvement, vocally it's just as bad as ever.

It still hurts me every day,
When I think of what you threw away,
A chance that you would never give,
For us both to simply live,
In harmony,
Side by side,
Could you really not abide,
By something as simple as all that,
Pathetic I am,
But unsure I am not.

Who's got the 10 1/2?

Skip to ten minutes in to find out who's got the 10 1/2!

EDIT:

The person who upped this did it in a really retarded way and I'm pretty sure it skips a bit of the song.

Ugh

Apparently Alex from All Time Low's favourite track of SYG's second album is the same as mine.

Two questions to answer:

Why did I buy a copy of Kerrang?

Why did I read that "article"?

I'm a dweeb, though I have nearly finished the first of my two essays. It's probably a sack of shit but woo anyway! :D

For a laugh

I decided to look at the top 25 most played on my iTunes and it's dominated by Anti-Flag!

1. Shadow of the Dead - Anti-Flag
2. The Press Corpse - Anti-Flag
3. Red Flag- Billy Talent
4. Operation Iraqi Liberation - Anti-Flag
5. The Project For A New American Century - Anti-Flag
6. Try Honesty - Billy Talent
7. This Is The End (For You My Friend) - Anti-Flag
8. Turn Your Back (With Anti-Flag) - Billy Talent
9. Send My Love To the Dance Floor I'll See You In Hell (Hey Mr DJ) - Cobra Starship
10. Mind The G.A.T.T. - Anti-Flag
11. Devil In A Midnight Mass - Billy Talent
12.The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime) - Cobra Starship
13. Handlebars - Flobots
14. Confrontaation - Christiane Noll, Emily Skinner, Frank Wildhorn, John Treacy Egan, Leslie Briscusse, Linda Eder & Robert Cuccioli (that's what iTunes says, it's basically the cast from the recording of Jekyll and Hyde that I have)
15. Sold As Freedom - Anti-Flag
16. Surrender - Billy Talent
17. New Noise - Refused
18. Good and Ready - Anti-Flag
19. Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades - Brand New
20. In The Orchard - Whatever It Takes
21. Feminism Is For Everybody - Anti-Flag
22. Marc Defiant - Anti-Flag
23. This Suffering - Billy Talent
24. Who's Got A Match - Biffy Clyro
25. To Our Saviors - Midtown

Simples

Thing is

I look at my life

and i think

"hey I've got it pretty good"

and I do

but the one thing I care about

THE ONE THING

I've ever cared about

is love

really

that's all anyone cares about

Whether they admit it or not

and that's the one part of my life

which fails miserably

:(

:(

I love scotch.

I don't know my own strength

Or this flat really is just poorly fucking built. I just pulled the radiator off the wall, I don't know how. Needed oven gloves to put it back in the wall cause I'd had the heating on. Didn't leak too much while it was out but I've probably fucked the central heating a little. Oh joy. :(

Back in Brum

and I have a confession to make. As of 6.30am on January the 1st 2010 (fuck it's 2010!) I have started listening to Oasis again. I can't even blame it on being Mancunian since I'm still living in complete denial that I was born in that City and obsess over the fact that I'm from Stockport.

Ugh.

Damn you Jake Wallis!!!