What's the point in a diary if I don't write it till the end of the year?

I was walking down the street... there was a car... there was a car there and it was... what colour was it... it was blue, it was blue, no it was blue... look it was fucking blue alright... jesus.

I was walking down the street... it was summer... it was summer and the sun was... no... it was... it was winter... it wasn't that late... but it was dark. There were still leaves on the ground... quiet road... it was green... the car... it was green... the light was blue... there was a girl... I saw her face.

It was autumn, there was a man... his face was covered... there were leaves... white snow... the light was blue... the car was... it was too dark... it could have been anything... but the light, the light was blue.

It was late autumn. The time was 7pm. It was dark. There was a dark green car with a blue light. A man came out. His face was covered. I ran. The leaves were crunchy. There was a girl. Beautiful. Deep blue eyes. Cheeky smile. She was oddly familiar. A friend from my past. Someone who meant a lot. Her face swam into my vision. But. But she wasn't there. She was in my mind's eye. The street was racing. The snow, that, that came later. Buried me. That is all I remember now stop torturing me... please. 

If you phone me and I take a while,

It's just that I'm painting on my smile.

Simple things,

For simple minds,

Wrench the pain from this empty chest,

You walk ever alone,

Making a fool from a star,

The enigmatic nature,

Of all that you are,

I lie awake at night,

Gaze at the sky,

I can't help but ask,

Why,

I can't take my eyes off you,

From dusk until dawn,

From dawn until dusk,

The thoughts on my mind,

Are of nothing but you,

I wish they weren't,

But what can I do,

The loss that I feel,

Is nothing if not true,

And I'm sorry,

I'm a drop in the ocean,

This story is yours,

I'm a footnote to be forgot,

On the tale of your years,

I'll shed no more tears,

And forgo the conclusion,

Until comes the time,

Where you can forgive all that I am,

The fable of life,

Yours,

Not mine.

This performance still blows my mind every single time.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Today I had a very productive discussion with my Tutor over my final practical. I have the root of my idea and I even have a pretty satisfying way of both starting and ending it. I've got to say I'm really exited about this. People I've told my ideas to have seemed pretty interested and I've had a few people to offer to help me rehearse when it comes to that stage. Rehearsing a monologue on your own is hard enough but when you're going to be essentially in dialogue with a pre-recorded version of yourself it becomes even harder.

I'm equally terrified about it also. I'm going to be exposing some pretty intense shit, some of which I'm not sure I'm really ready to face. To most people watching it they probably won't get the things I'm referencing as they are incredibly personal. Demons that have haunted me for a very long time. Why is memory so fallible. Why do we lie about our pasts? Whether we realise it or not. Why do we hide ourselves from the truth? Honesty has always been my policy. I see no reason to beat around the bush, I've never seen the productivity in such actions to the contrary. But sometimes I lie to myself.

Current beginning

------------

Lights up on stage. There are two door-frames. One stage left and one stage right. in the centre of the stage is a bed. Up stage of the stage left door-frame is a small table with one glass, a bottle of whisky and a diary. After ten seconds figure enters from up stage centre. Walks towards bed. Removes coat and tosses it on bed. Breathes in deeply for five seconds. Walks over to small table. Pours generous measure of scotch into glass and drinks quickly. Places glass on table. Picks up diary. Smiles. Returns to bed and sits cross legged in the middle. Opens diary in the middle. Smiles. Looks straight outwards. Speaks.

Figure: "Back again."

Voice (V.O., same actor as figure): "I never left."

Figure: "I guess not. Do you remember...?"

Current ending

------------

Figure: "Which door is it? Which fucking door?"

Voice: "You know which door, you've always known which door. You never were able to live up to your own high standards. The boundaries and expectations you lay at others you could never attain yourself. You made the decision a long time ago... never forget that."

Figure smiles weakly. Giggles. Looks straight outwards.

Figure: "I guess... I guess I won't be needing my coat then. Shame it had to end this way... had much more to say... much more to do. Who knew?"

Figure stands gingerly. Breathes deeply inwards for five seconds. Exits stage left door.

Voice: "Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you... can... forget."

Ten seconds. Blackout.

--------------------------

Also quite like the idea at some point of when Figure is off on a tangent that Voice might say something along the lines of "If you are desperate to check facebook or twitter now's the time to do it... he's going to be like this for a while". Unfortunately because I only have ten minutes to work with it I might have to leave that out. Maybe if I ever extend it and take it to Edinburgh... LOL

Old Schkool

CKY, Evanescence, Three Days Grace. I'm a teenager again!

tingling.

The cryptic answers

1. Working out with a middle aged weapon. - Jim Gannon 2. Rabbit re-mortgages his home to pay for a joint. - Warren Feeney 3. French mountain grinds his teeth - Carlo Nash 4. Handsome beloved is brutally honest with a nun - Kevin Francis 5. Good with his hands to murder, so there. - Andy Kilner 6. I see Hansen's pet - Luke Beckett 7. When will the don be a conquerer? - Owain Fon Williams 8. The thumb made it crooked - Tom Bennet 9. Scottish actor with spelling issues - Sean Connelly 10. The Phoenix rises from the conquerers - Ashley Williams 11. Hardly a Potter - Harry Hardy 12. Give me some Jam old Miss - Jarkko Wiss 13. Make my voice loud Errol - Mike Flynn 14. Pandy's leaking from the mouth, according to Ross - Andy Dibble 15. Muhammad is a gangster with a bib. - Ali Gibb

If I ended it all tonight

would anyone really miss me?

I'd play the game, but I'm the referee

It is a fact. I have lost the Game. Not just THE Game, which I have also lost thanks to this blog ffs, but the game that apparently exists "between the sexes".

I know for a fact that I could, at the very least, have pulled at least two different girls tonight. Now if you knew the reasons behind not acting on one of them (who actually said "I know you'll say no, and I know it's wrong, but I really want to eat your face right now") then you'd say I made the right choice; but the other one, I'm just too disenfranchised and disorientated to have acted on something I legitimately could have.

She is hung up on her ex, and I know she is. We are friends and I simply didn't want to run the risk of hurting her. I know she was "on the pull" tonight and that she would have been perfectly willing to at least pull me but as soon as I realised this avoided her. I'm in a position right now where I just cannot act on any natural impulses. None at all. I exist as nothing more than a shadow; and it's killing me. 

I cannot play the game anymore. I have been struggling with my own self confidence for nigh on 6 years now and have been repeatedly ruined as a result. I just cannot act on anything any more. I really wanted tonight to be a pissed up, drunken night of just general tomfoolery. Doing whatever with whoever and to hell with the consequences. But when it came to the crunch I simply couldn't.

I'm hurting so much right now, and I would give anything to stop it; anything. But I can't. I wish I could just shut off part of my mind and soul but it's impossible. I am drained.

Thank god for music eh? I went from listening exclusively to Biffy Clyro (for the last two days) to Pennywise before going out tonight and so my iPod was ready for when I returned. I love Pennywise.

JASON MATTHEW THIRSK THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

On the plus side at least five different girls said that I am a good looking guy tonight. I don't believe them but it's still nice to be told that. 

Truth

Truth be told this is a lonely heart,

The yin without the yang,

The half of a whole,

An actor without his part,

The beauty of the world you see,

Comes in many ways,

But the only one which I will seek,

Is to be found with you and me,

The battle is already lost,

But the survivors carry on,

No matter the loss,

No matter the cost,

Continue to deny,

Unable to accept it,

You know it's true,

Even if you won't see it,

There is as much music to be found,
In the sound,
Of fingers on string,
As in the notes that you play,

And the words that you say.

Don't need no drugs, you're my chemical
Now I'm dependent, swear I'm clinical,
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight,
I need a fix in those heroin eyes,

Insomnia

Following my episode on Monday I'm doing o.k. now except for crippling insomnia. I only got two hours sleep last night. I am emotionally and physically shattered. But I cannot sleep. At all.

This is really starting to worry me now. I don't want to have to go see a fucking psychiatrist.

it is best that i remove this

it is best that i remove this

Eight Letters to Change Your Life

I dedicate this first album to you.

So this doesn't work in poem form but it's written to be song lyrics.

Lying in her arms,
Locked in her touch,
Feeling the embrace of someone I could have lost,
It's just a,
Sad way to look at the world,
But while I'm alone with her all I think of is you,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
But I'm losing it anyway,

Tired eyes and a look that could break the world,
But I alone truly know what it means to spend,
A night with you that I never wanted to end,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
But I'm losing it anyway,

I told you that I'd found someone,
To make you love me,
But all it did was make you say that you're happy for me,
It's all a lie that I just wish I could take back,
But when I think of what I've lost it gives me a heart attack,

You'll never know now just what you mean to me,
I hope you understand all that I'd do for you,
It would never cost you more than our friendship,
To tell me that you don't hate me would mean the world to me,

I cannot lie I did it to make you jealous,
But all the time we spent together you never cottoned on,
To my reasoning and to my subtle signals,
It's all a game we play,
And I've lost it all today.

Another call back tomorrow

Let's see if I get this one.

Musically it's a vast improvement, vocally it's just as bad as ever.

It still hurts me every day,
When I think of what you threw away,
A chance that you would never give,
For us both to simply live,
In harmony,
Side by side,
Could you really not abide,
By something as simple as all that,
Pathetic I am,
But unsure I am not.

Who's got the 10 1/2?

Skip to ten minutes in to find out who's got the 10 1/2!

EDIT:

The person who upped this did it in a really retarded way and I'm pretty sure it skips a bit of the song.

Ugh

Apparently Alex from All Time Low's favourite track of SYG's second album is the same as mine.

Two questions to answer:

Why did I buy a copy of Kerrang?

Why did I read that "article"?

I'm a dweeb, though I have nearly finished the first of my two essays. It's probably a sack of shit but woo anyway! :D

For a laugh

I decided to look at the top 25 most played on my iTunes and it's dominated by Anti-Flag!

1. Shadow of the Dead - Anti-Flag
2. The Press Corpse - Anti-Flag
3. Red Flag- Billy Talent
4. Operation Iraqi Liberation - Anti-Flag
5. The Project For A New American Century - Anti-Flag
6. Try Honesty - Billy Talent
7. This Is The End (For You My Friend) - Anti-Flag
8. Turn Your Back (With Anti-Flag) - Billy Talent
9. Send My Love To the Dance Floor I'll See You In Hell (Hey Mr DJ) - Cobra Starship
10. Mind The G.A.T.T. - Anti-Flag
11. Devil In A Midnight Mass - Billy Talent
12.The World Has Its Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime) - Cobra Starship
13. Handlebars - Flobots
14. Confrontaation - Christiane Noll, Emily Skinner, Frank Wildhorn, John Treacy Egan, Leslie Briscusse, Linda Eder & Robert Cuccioli (that's what iTunes says, it's basically the cast from the recording of Jekyll and Hyde that I have)
15. Sold As Freedom - Anti-Flag
16. Surrender - Billy Talent
17. New Noise - Refused
18. Good and Ready - Anti-Flag
19. Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades - Brand New
20. In The Orchard - Whatever It Takes
21. Feminism Is For Everybody - Anti-Flag
22. Marc Defiant - Anti-Flag
23. This Suffering - Billy Talent
24. Who's Got A Match - Biffy Clyro
25. To Our Saviors - Midtown

Simples

Thing is

I look at my life

and i think

"hey I've got it pretty good"

and I do

but the one thing I care about

THE ONE THING

I've ever cared about

is love

really

that's all anyone cares about

Whether they admit it or not

and that's the one part of my life

which fails miserably

:(

:(

I love scotch.

I don't know my own strength

Or this flat really is just poorly fucking built. I just pulled the radiator off the wall, I don't know how. Needed oven gloves to put it back in the wall cause I'd had the heating on. Didn't leak too much while it was out but I've probably fucked the central heating a little. Oh joy. :(

Back in Brum

and I have a confession to make. As of 6.30am on January the 1st 2010 (fuck it's 2010!) I have started listening to Oasis again. I can't even blame it on being Mancunian since I'm still living in complete denial that I was born in that City and obsess over the fact that I'm from Stockport.

Ugh.

Damn you Jake Wallis!!!