I'd play the game, but I'm the referee

It is a fact. I have lost the Game. Not just THE Game, which I have also lost thanks to this blog ffs, but the game that apparently exists "between the sexes".

I know for a fact that I could, at the very least, have pulled at least two different girls tonight. Now if you knew the reasons behind not acting on one of them (who actually said "I know you'll say no, and I know it's wrong, but I really want to eat your face right now") then you'd say I made the right choice; but the other one, I'm just too disenfranchised and disorientated to have acted on something I legitimately could have.

She is hung up on her ex, and I know she is. We are friends and I simply didn't want to run the risk of hurting her. I know she was "on the pull" tonight and that she would have been perfectly willing to at least pull me but as soon as I realised this avoided her. I'm in a position right now where I just cannot act on any natural impulses. None at all. I exist as nothing more than a shadow; and it's killing me. 

I cannot play the game anymore. I have been struggling with my own self confidence for nigh on 6 years now and have been repeatedly ruined as a result. I just cannot act on anything any more. I really wanted tonight to be a pissed up, drunken night of just general tomfoolery. Doing whatever with whoever and to hell with the consequences. But when it came to the crunch I simply couldn't.

I'm hurting so much right now, and I would give anything to stop it; anything. But I can't. I wish I could just shut off part of my mind and soul but it's impossible. I am drained.

Thank god for music eh? I went from listening exclusively to Biffy Clyro (for the last two days) to Pennywise before going out tonight and so my iPod was ready for when I returned. I love Pennywise.

JASON MATTHEW THIRSK THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

On the plus side at least five different girls said that I am a good looking guy tonight. I don't believe them but it's still nice to be told that.