The Riser's Lament

Everywhere you look and see,
Spy shades of mediocrity,
A dawning crimson shade of red,
Clears the riser from the bed,
And on with the ritual, perpetual ambition,
Darkness clears the soul from God,
And brings it forwardly,
Presenting an unknowing child and his desperate dream,
Itching to escape the rigid uniformity of, his life,
Goaded by the carrot put ahead,
That is never reached,
Never obtained,
Unassailed,
Impossible,
But still the riser itches to quench his thirst at the well of desire,
Never stopping to drink at the pools along the way,
Never satisfied with what he has,
He marches,
Ever onward,
Genuinely driven by what he sees as his only escape,
Reality offers nothing for him,
Lost,
Alone,
Again,
Always lost,
Alone,
Missing,
This,
Lost alone,
Depressed by repression,
Saddened by the end of time,
The spiral is set to begin again,
The riser finds no comfort in what he has,
For what he has,
Is nothing.

Map of Human Migration

Use that kick-drum to march in time,
Pluck those strings to find the beat,
Thrash that axe to find the tune,
Then sing yourself to a merry mood.

If you read this.

If you read this then I want you to know that I'm ok. It wasn't meant to be. I think I've finally accepted that and now I'm just waiting to heal. It will come, with time. I've been doing a lot of thinking already and can imagine I will do a lot more between now and the next time we speak but know this. I love you for you, and that will never change. I will always love you just as I will always love the two others who came before you. They are now two of my nearest and dearest and I hope that you will go the same way. In two months our lives change again. We both start afresh with new hopes and dreams. I hope that it can be the start of a new chapter in our friendship, I really do. Getting over you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I think I'm stronger than I come across. I want you to know that you can never hurt me, I can only hurt myself.

If you don't read this then hopefully, the next time we speak, I will be able to say this to you myself. Good luck with your exams.

Billy. xxx

The moon's icy cold, silver stare continues to mock me,
As the waves of guilt and horror,
Consume every fibre of my being,

There's a nothingness that exists,
Where my heart used to be,
Because that heart has gone,
Away from me,
And alone with you,

I'm sorry,
With the heaviest of hearts I am sorry,
To be alone with you,
Is a wish and a curse,

The one begotten son.

Sometimes

Sometimes I enjoy wallowing in my own self pity. Sometimes I just want to stop. I actually have noone to talk to about this. Sure there are people who would offer advice, comfort, but noone who would just listen, listen and hug. Today was hug an actor/techie/theatre geek day. That's me on 3 legit fronts. How many hugs did I get? One, it was a good hug but still, ONE! Hug denials are horrible and I had one of those too. The internet is not my friend. I cannot deal with living through it. I need human contact. Every time I get home and I sit in this flat all alone I get so lonely. Does anyone care? Probably not. Is anyone even reading this? Even less likely.

Next year is going to be so much better. Every evening around lots of people. I get so lonely. :(

Just how far would you go for those that you care about?