2012

I watch from the sidelines as it all passes me by,
Strangely alluring, the sights and the wondering why,
When dancing angels fulfill all that you need,
And the truth reigns softly ensuring you're freed.

I venture further forward into the unforgiving forest that is my future. Stumbling blindly as the fog and darkness sets in. Unsure of what I may or may not find I continue blindly in the hope that there may be a single flower sprouting from among the trees. That I may lie with it, and stay there for all eternity. I may have already passed that flower and yet I continue onward in the hope I have not yet done so. I hear the wolfs and the jackals cackle around me, awaiting the wrong step that pulls me down, unceasingly, into the abyss. And yet I hunt, fearlessly, tenaciously, ever onward. Wherever that flower may be I will find it, even if I must find it at the bottom of that abyss.

An interesting dilemma

There's a knot in the tree at the end of the garden,
That serves as the ashtray for a childhood memory,
There's a ghostly river that runs through the mind,
And serves as a schoolboy's malicious demands,

As the past reveals what couldn't be answered,
And the measured mistake of an awkward unplanned,
Moment in time that is forever obscured,
And the distant dreams of that difficult schoolboy,

Clutching at straws so hard to hold on to,
The one thing about the past that was liked,
Accepting the difference that 3 years can make,
To a friendship once so brittle and faked,

A separate existence was inevitable failure,
An unenviable position for the latter to take,
As the doorways close on that old chapter,
The new one opens for him to walk through.

The Riser's Lament

Everywhere you look and see,
Spy shades of mediocrity,
A dawning crimson shade of red,
Clears the riser from the bed,
And on with the ritual, perpetual ambition,
Darkness clears the soul from God,
And brings it forwardly,
Presenting an unknowing child and his desperate dream,
Itching to escape the rigid uniformity of, his life,
Goaded by the carrot put ahead,
That is never reached,
Never obtained,
Unassailed,
Impossible,
But still the riser itches to quench his thirst at the well of desire,
Never stopping to drink at the pools along the way,
Never satisfied with what he has,
He marches,
Ever onward,
Genuinely driven by what he sees as his only escape,
Reality offers nothing for him,
Lost,
Alone,
Again,
Always lost,
Alone,
Missing,
This,
Lost alone,
Depressed by repression,
Saddened by the end of time,
The spiral is set to begin again,
The riser finds no comfort in what he has,
For what he has,
Is nothing.

Map of Human Migration

Use that kick-drum to march in time,
Pluck those strings to find the beat,
Thrash that axe to find the tune,
Then sing yourself to a merry mood.

If you read this.

If you read this then I want you to know that I'm ok. It wasn't meant to be. I think I've finally accepted that and now I'm just waiting to heal. It will come, with time. I've been doing a lot of thinking already and can imagine I will do a lot more between now and the next time we speak but know this. I love you for you, and that will never change. I will always love you just as I will always love the two others who came before you. They are now two of my nearest and dearest and I hope that you will go the same way. In two months our lives change again. We both start afresh with new hopes and dreams. I hope that it can be the start of a new chapter in our friendship, I really do. Getting over you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I think I'm stronger than I come across. I want you to know that you can never hurt me, I can only hurt myself.

If you don't read this then hopefully, the next time we speak, I will be able to say this to you myself. Good luck with your exams.

Billy. xxx